Dear Mr. Stern,

Knowing that you are planning to use “time” as a theme for a forthcoming edition of your excellent publication “stockwerk,” I thought that perhaps you might be interested in this rather odd document. It fell into my hands under remarkable circumstances – I shan’t bore you with the details.

Unfortunately (or should I say fortunately?) the document is incomplete, merely a fragment; the transcriber has also chosen to remain anonymous.

Keep up the good work at “stockwerk,”

Yours etc.,

Left. Col. (Retd) Sir Hugh Fist-Spannerpants

.................................................

T.W.A.T.S – FIRST INTERNATIONAL CONFERENCE

April 1st 2004

The Argyll Room, The Hilton, Park Lane, London W1K 1BE

The Morning of Day 1, Transcript

Chairman:

Good morning ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to this exciting time management event.

Welcome to day one of the first international conference of

Those who
Waste
A lot of
Time being
Stressed,

T.W.A.T.S.

We’d like to thank the Hilton Hotel here in Park Lane for their hospitality, and I’d like to congratulate you all for arriving less than half-an-hour late. You’ve shown real commitment. Well done.

A straggler enters, mumbling “Sorry…” He begins an excuse, but is quickly hushed by the Chariman’s glare. He finds his seat. The Chairman continues glaring.

It’s very exciting to be here in London. The T.W.A.T.S conference has run successfully in America for five years now, and we’re looking forward to bringing our unique and thrilling brand to the UK.

Please give a big hand for today’s keynote speaker, considered in America to be the prince of self-help time-management, the guru of talk-show gurus. He’s the author of best-selling US titles such as Stop being T.W.A.T.S and Ten Tips for T.W.A.T.S. I’m sure his appearance here will open up the UK market for him. He’s even appeared on Oprah Winfrey!

All the way from the United States of America, I give you… Michael G. Edwin!

There is a smattering of polite and unenthusiastic applause, which is quickly drowned by very loud motivational rock music. A short and bald man, dressed in shirt-sleeves, bounds energetically onto the stage. The rock music fades.

Michael:

Good morning!

A loud American voice replies with an enthusiastic: Good Morning! This contrasts conspicuously with silent and confused British stares..

Good morning! Nice to hear one of my countrymen. Now – the rest of you! I said “Good MORNING!”

 

The words are echoed in a plaintive whisper by the rest of the audience

I feel great… I feel great because it’s great to see so many stressed time wasters here. So many T.W.A.T.S. Trust me, people – by being here, you’ve taken the first step into a bigger universe. A universe of productivity and success.

But right now, I know how it feels. You’re fed up with missing deadlines. You’re tired of feeling stressed and overworked. You’re getting pissed off by having too much to do. I know the feeling. You know the feeling. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t, would you?

The American voice calls out « No! »

I’m going to tell you all how you can be a lot more productive. By following my simple, 3-step plan, you can be more effective. You can all become high achievers. You can realise your potential. You can be more successful.

You WILL be more successful!

This is the cue for more motivational rock music. The owner of the American voice – a delegate from Detroit – whoops. The music dies down.

Thank you, thank you.

The first thing you’ve got to do is identify the problem. To move forward, you’ve got to start from where you are. But you can’t start from where you are if you don’t know where you are. And once you know where you are…

You’ve got to admit it. You’re Those that Waste A lot of Time being Stressed! You’re T.W.A.T.S

Come on! Let’s hear you say it! Identify the problem! ACCEPT the problem! ADMIT the problem! OWN the problem! You’re T.W.A.T.S! What are you?

The delegate from Detroit chants « We are TWATS, we are TWATS » The rest of the crowd seems reluctant to join in.

Yeah! That’s step one!

Michael presses a button on a remote control.

« STEP ONE – WE ARE T.W.A.T.S »

is projected onto an enormous screen overlooking the stage.

The next step is to make the commitment to change. Make a commitment to organise yourself. You need to change yourself with knowledge. You need to know what’s stealing your time and stressing you out.

Now people – you have to WANT the commitment. You have to want the commitment because you NEED it. You need the

Commiment to
Organise and
Change with
Knowledge of what’s
Stealing your time.

You need C.O.C.K.S. What do you want? What do you need?

The delegate from Detroit is clearly enjoying himself. He stands up, punching the air with his fist.

He chants « We want COCKS, we need COCKS »

The rest of the audience is clearly distressed. Something is terribly wrong here.

Yeah! YEAH! That’s step two!

Again, Michael pushes the button on the remote control. The enormous screen now reads :

« STEP TWO – WE NEED C.O.C.K.S »

Yeah! YEAH!

You’re making progress!

WE’RE making progress!!

You’ve admitted you’re T.W.A.T.S. You’ve recognised you need C.O.C.K.S.

You’ve taken the first two steps. But you don’t know what to do with the C.O.C.K.S, do you? Do you want me to tell you?

Michael is clearly extremely excited. His bald, round face is glistening with sweat, and veins can be seen throbbing in his forehead.

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?

DO YOU WANT TO TAKE STEP THREE?

ARE YOU READY FOR STEP THREE?

The motivational rock music begins again. Michael presses the button on the remote control…

(Editor’s Note – The text breaks off here – perhaps it is better not to know what step three was.)