Dear
Mr. Stern,
It is with
considerable interest that I accept your invitation to write to you
on the subject of love; I am unsure, however, as to how useful my
contribution will be. I am, I am told, a man of rather unusual habits
- preferring to spend much of my time in my garden shed, where I combine
my two great loves (esoteric proverbs and entomology) by reading the
sayings of (amongst others) King Solomon, Chairman Mao and the great
military strategist Ssu-Ma to my collection of moths, butterflies
and insects.
I am, of
course, not so foolish as to believe that this is for their benefit
- even if they were not dead (which they are - beautifully mounted,
labelled and displayed on shelves all around the shed), I cannot envisage
a swallow-tail twitching its wings with excitement upon hearing that
"the supreme acme of excellence is to capture the cities of the
enemy without unsheathing one's sword," or a death's head (of
which, I have to say, I have a particularly fine specimen) fluttering
with delight when hearing that "a fool does not care whether
he knows a thing or not, all he wants to do is show how clever he
is."
No, the pleasure
is entirely mine. Sitting in my shed I revel in the excellent, pithy
and insightful aphorisms of great men, whilst surrounded by my own
conquests, hunted with the net, pinned carefully to a piece of cardboard,
labelled with genus and species, then placed - in order - in my shed.
I have tried
to share these pleasures with my wife, suggesting that she might,
perhaps, enjoy the wisdom of Sun-Tzu, Marcus Aurelius or even Nietzsche
and at the same time marvel at the dorsal markings of the toroise-shell
or the red admiral, but regrettably she has always declined, insisting
that love can be expressed in other, (she claims) more conventional
ways - going out to dinner, buying furniture, or by choosing a pair
of curtains that (apparently) match the carpet.
In any case,
I digress.
As the saying
goes, Mr. Stern, "it is unwise to consult the seal on matters
relating to the penguin." I fear, therfore, that my word alone
may be woefully inadequate, or, at the very least, misrepresentative
of the opinion of the general public. If I am to write for about love,
Mr. Stern, I feel that it is of great import that I should consult
with others. I have, therefore, sought out a representative sample
of our society, and will relay faithfully their thoughts on the subject.
Before he
was taken away by the doctors, my father often said: "Bernard,
if you want the milk of knowledge, then suckle the udders of the cow
of wisdom, my son, suckle at the udders - and remember that there's
more than one teat. For true understanding, my son, you need to suckle
all six."
----------
1. Mike the
taxi driver:
Me: Hello.
What do you think about love?
Him: Love's
a funny old thing, innit? It's like they say in a the song "the
greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."
Or like John Lennon wrote "All you need is love, all you need
is love, all you need is love, love, love, love is all you need."
E's great, John Lennon. (stops taxi) That'll be 5 pounds seventy-five,
mate
2. A small
girl playing with a doll in Kensington Gardens:
Me: Hello.
What do you think about love?
Her: (giggles)
oooh, you said love! (giggles, blushes) Oh, my Mummy says I mustn't
talk to stangers. Bye
3. A drunken
football fan:
Me: Hello.
What do you think about love?
Him: We love
Inger-lund
We love Inger-lund
Inger-lund
Inger-lund
Six nil
Six nil
Six nil
We love Inger-lund
4. A tramp
who lives in a cardboard box under Vauxhall Bridge:
Me: Hello.
What do you think about love?
Him: Eeergh
Aaargh don't talk to me about love arrgh arrrrrgh where's my Nibbles
aarrrgh you wanna see my pet rat Nibbles I love my Nibbles come to
daddy Nibbles where are you Nibbles
Aaaargh Nibbles oh there you are Nibbles aaaaaaaaaaaaargh
(drinks methylated spirits. Passes out)
5. Captain
Birdbeak of the ship "Lady Love"
Me: Hello.
What do you think about love?
Him: Yarrrr,
love be like a gale, blowin' a salty spray across yer bows on a cloudy
day, stinging yer face and lettin' yer know that yer alive, lad. Yarrr...
6. Professor
Hugh Fist-Spannerpants
Me: Hello.
What do you think about love?
Him: Love
is essentially an equilibrium position of lardiness. If you look at
most couples in a long-term relationship, you'll find that they gravitate
towards the same degree of body fat.
Look around you. Fat people with fat people. Skinny people with skinny
people. Those weird people who manage to be fat and skinny at the
same time. Who are they with? People who look just like them! It's
a process of harmonisation, of bonding.
There are, of course, exceptions, but I have proven conclusively in
my research that couples in relationships which fail to move towards
this equilibrium will usually fail, or, at the very least, there will
be alterior motives present - maybe one partner is looking for warmth
or shelter - or maybe even a reliable food source. It may also be
that one partner is using the other as some form of "trophy."
There are many possibilities, but it will not be love if the Fist-Spannerpants'
principle of equivalent lardiness is violated.
----------
Well, Mr.
Stern, I do hope that that has been of some use to you,
Warmest regards,
Bernard Bernardson